Store all suit coats on the backs of the dinning room chairs, open the mail over the trash can, while listening to voice messages, clean out the car in the front yard, throw everything broken away the second it breaks, often out the window on the highway…remorseful about messing with Texas, imagine myself remembering lines from famous poems at moments when wisdom is required, very polite to waiters, valets and hotel people, own every piece of sporting equipment ever made, insecure enough to always over tip, shirt goes straight into pants, can put tons of stuff in my pockets, forget to go to the shine man until I have wheel barrow full, almost always have to buy multiple complete sets of clothes when I travel, have made large presentation with shaving crème on my ear, perfect teeth, good watch, go through 12,873 pocket knives per year, buy cell phone chargers in bulk, white shirts by the gross, once got cigar cutter from buddies breast pocket to discover he was wearing my dinner jacket, left car running in front of DFW while I flew to Chicago, greatest dog trainer in the northern hemisphere, know all the words to all the songs, but forget the order, dry cleaner man lets himself in, have the last milk man in North America, he usually throws out whatever he delivered last week, constantly rewind the songs I like, best story teller in the history of the universe, forgot my address recently, drive with one foot, wonder what women in meetings look like naked, hate meanness, clean fingernails with dinner ware when no one is around, won the world in 68, don’t get professional soccer, get too much sun, sometimes think of what I am going to say while the other person is talking especially if I am bored, love to write letters to people I don’t know well remembering in detail something that did not happen with enough facts to confuse them, always say please and thank you, own a thesaurus, hate disease galas, don’t mind inappropriate but dislike rudeness, sugar ants, lines, paperwork, fake Styrofoam cups, the inability to reason, broken shoe laces and gas pumps that cut off at $50.00, Love coffee, funny women, good story telling, great food, the sound of laughter, dogs chasing balls, professional baseball, Ron White, Dan Jenkins, Mark Twain, puns, Sudoku, Bill Bryson, limericks, cigars, huge dead fish hanging upside down, black and white pictures of men in ties doing manual labor, women in pearls with one strand twisted around their finger…AND MAYBE YOU!

Tell me you have a crush and Ill pretend it is on me

Short, fat, balding and unemployable, questionable hygiene, never owned a working car. Didn't quit looking straight down until hit by a bus, while collecting cans. Cut my own hair when not incarcerated. love to cook if instructions are in English, can borrower toaster oven with notice and when the power is on. Like to read novella's left at the bus stop by my house, they usually have several pages missing, but I don't read so well and can really only tell by looking at the page numbers. I have an almost complete collection of the Home Shopping Network's NASCAR display plates. These are not the common kind that you would put macaroni and cheese on, these are the good ones that you save up for and put on the wall when decent folks are commin over. Partner in an Internet beanie baby deal wherein I hold up the beanie baby so that they can take a real good picture. Not really so much a partner as they gave me some beer so that I would lay down on the floor and prop the little animals up with a coat hanger and not be in the picture.

Ok, my fault, lets start again. This is for fun right, passion, excitement, adventure, maybe a little bit of anxiousness. As a rule the words “what the fuck” should probably not be contained in the subject line of your email. I for one, have much more fun after having had a great laugh with the person with which I am about to trade bodily fluids. Call me shy, ignorant, an asshole, but I just can’t seem to get wood after receiving mail which informs me that I have the most fucked up profile on Adult FriendFinder.

You remember that time when you screamed “you fucking piece of shit, what are you doing? I really felt close to you after that and thought, I can’t wait to be stuck in traffic so that I can daydream about this lovely creature, who while she doesn’t know which side the fork goes on, would consider the side of my head as an option.

There is just something so romantic about those photos you sent me with uneaten food on plates in the background under the dirty clothes and the stains on the, as of this decade, unpainted sheetrock. I know that none of us is perfect and that Martha is having all those legal woes and maybe behind in her correspondence regarding your decorating, but if I wouldn’t stand in the room barefoot chances are “ I am not going to be terribly comfortable rolling around in that room. I know, I know I have that profile with the phrase questionable hygiene, but that was a joke honey, you know satire but the opposite sarcasm. Kind of like when you write “living life to the fullest while photographed on the hood of your unpainted 1978 AMC Gremlin”.

Anyway I really appreciate all the responses. My favorite to date has been “…if you would not spend money on a paid sex website you could get something nice for yourself…”

Here is to the decline of the American dream.

Te

My Ideal Person: Seeks lady friend who uses a lot of small words and speaks slowly. Has extra bar of soap, bus tokens and own can opener. Comfortable with the expression "he does not live here anymore". Likes WILD MONKEY LOVE

Tell one of your favorite sexual fantasies. Don't hold back!:
It starts well outside the bed. A look that last a little
long. A finger brush when passing a drink. An extra laugh
at a joke. An ease in the car when going somewhere. It starts,
it fills the space with anticipation. It grows. Then you
blow on it a little and it erupts into a forest fire. It can
happen anywhere at any time. The ingredients are esoteric,
the recipe elusive, but the dish divine.

What location do you fantasize about for a sexual encounter?:
where women can be found

What types of sexual activities turn you on?:
Giving Oral Sex, Receiving Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Toys (Vibrators/Dildos/etc.), Role Playing, Threesomes, Slave/Master, Mutual Masturbation, Blindfolds

Ever fantasized about having sex with a celebrity? Who? What turns you on about them?:
The Milf on Sponge Bob is pretty hot

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